Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
