if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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