my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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