Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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