I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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