if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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