grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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