its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
