I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
