do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize