I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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