she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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