One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
