Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
God gave him joint rollers for hands
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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