Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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