Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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