Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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