So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
