I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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