I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
