I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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