Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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