How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
