gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
