i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
