you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
