She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
