fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
