grandma shit on top of the toilet
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
