My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Randomize
