the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
