the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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