If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
