my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
