I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
