Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
