i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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