awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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