I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
