The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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