Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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