Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I supernannyed him into submission
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