I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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