I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
