i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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