Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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