either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
All the doctor said was why
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
