so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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