Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
