I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
try to milk me bitch
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
