who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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