Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
