a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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