dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
