New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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