My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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